Review: The Beach Girls

Synopsis: Three girls head out for wild fun in the sun at an uncle's beach house. But when the party gets over the top, what will happen when the uncle finds out?


Review: The early 80's was a golden age for the teen sex comedy. It was a veritable cottage industry. Some were cute and clever, others were bland and boring. "The Beach Girls" falls somewhere in-between. 


The plot revolves around three girls, who've just gotten out of school for the summer. Two of the girls are world-wise party-goers who attempt to loosen up their naive, virginal friend, as they stay at her uncle's beach house. It's non-stop partying, from picking up a middle-aged hitchhiker, to booze and drug fueled nights, the girls are gonna have fun! But what happens when the uncle finally shows up? Oh, the suspense is killing me! 


Well, no, not really. Most of this stuff is by-the-numbers sex comedy formula. The jokes, the puns, the gags, are all pretty much the standard fare you'd expect. Debra Blee (who plays the virginal Sarah) is, oddly enough, more attractive than her two wild child friends (played by Val Kline and Jeana Keough), which was a nice little change from how most films like this go. But the hitchhiker who becomes Sarah's love interest (played by James Daughton), who is supposed to be a hip and laid back young musician-type, just looks too old to play this role. It's one of the ways the film misfires and takes you out of the moment. The scene where a young cop shows up during the party and almost immediately gets sucked into the shenanigans is another example of that. It just comes off as silly and forced, taking you out of the story, which might be the point, but the tongue-in-cheek humor just isn't delivered convincingly enough for you not to notice it. And the whole sub-plot, involving the drug smugglers and Coast Guard just feels completely out of place. And lastly, Sarah's transformation from "upright do-right," to femme fatale, happens so fast, you might get whiplash as you watch it.


That isn't to say the film doesn't have some good points. The film has a nice bit of skin on display, so flesh fiends will get what they crave. The debauchery is certainly wild and crazy throughout the film, with a few raunchy scenes to spice things up more. The Coast Guard's raid near the film's end, as they go through the house to uncover where all the drugs have been hidden, is chuckle-worthy. And there is some great comic relief with the gardener (played by Bert Rosario) throughout the film and it gets especially good when he gets teamed up with the limo driver (played by George Cheung). Their antics in a fight sequences are actually pretty funny.


In the final analysis, "The Beach Girls" is a mediocre effort, that never tries to play up that it is anything more than a teen sex comedy. It's lack of pretentiousness about itself gives it a certain amount charm. But it is very repetitive and the jokes and gags wear a little thin by the end. The misfires grow as the film goes on, but it never takes anything too seriously. And that might be why it isn't more enjoyable. It's a fluffy and light-hearted 80's romp, to be sure, and fans of cult classic 80's cheese might enjoy this, but it isn't one that will stick with you after you've viewed it. Just like footprints in the sand, the film's impression is not one that will last for long. Much like how summer never does! 


Rating: 2 Stars (our of 4)

Review: Country Hooker

Synopsis: When a couple of musicians pick up some stranded babes, they think they've hit the jack pot. But their luck will soon turn, when the girls turn out to be hookers, who are leading the guys into a trap set by their pimp. Will the girls feelings for the guys save them all, or doom them to a horrible fate?

Review: In the annals of erotic cinema, as with all types of cinema, there are always those who will stand out ahead of the rest of the pack. And one of those who would do so in this genre is the beautiful Rene Bond! "Country Hooker" is one of her earliest works. And while the material here is not the best, she certainly takes lemons and makes a very sexy lemonade with her performance.

The plot is about how a couple of musicians on their way to a gig pick up a pair of babes in distress (played by always luscious Rene Bond and Sandy Dempsey) and end up getting a very "just reward" for their kindness. Little do they realize they are soon to be the ones in distress, as these gals are pros being used to set the guys up for the whims of their pimp. When the girls end up falling for the guys, though, they all wind up in a heap of trouble that one of them won't get out of alive!

The film is a veritable "who's who" of 70's soft and hardcore porno flicks, as Bond and Dempsey are joined by several others well-known to sexploitation cinephiles, such as Louis Ojena, Maria Arnold and Bond's longtime boyfriend and co-star Ric Lutze. As with the most low-budget exploitation film offerings, the production and acting are pretty poor, save for Rene Bond and Louis Ojena (who plays Mike the pimp). Despite being an early work in her long porn career, Rene Bond shows she has a natural aptitude for the acting skills required, some decent comedic timing, as well as the ability to perform sexually in front of the camera. There is plenty of male and female full frontal nudity in this one, giving flesh fiends all that they could want and then some, and while most of the women are very nice looking, Rene Bond easily stands out as the most attractive of this bunch. She and her arousingly enhanced curves will never disappoint you here.

As for the actual script, the rape and murder scene is a bit shocking for the times. There's some really bad country music sequences, which are lip-synced by the guys, and some unintentionally humorous dialogue from the campy writing that will bring out more than a chuckle or two, but overall, the script and acting in this one just doesn't quite get over the well-endowed hump(s), as the film's ending, unlike the girls in the film, is totally flat as a board. Basically, it's main worth is to see the sensual Rene Bond in one of her early roles.

"Country Hooker" might only rate as "okay" in the realm of sexploitation film, but thanks to the always sultry form and skills of Rene Bond you'll get a bit of fun and enjoyable mileage from this outing. Yee-haw, good buddies!

Rating: 1 1/2 Stars (out of 4)

Review: The Ruins

Synopsis: A group of friends whose leisurely Mexican holiday takes a turn for the worse when they, along with a fellow tourist embark on a remote archaeological dig in the jungle, where something evil lives among the ruins.

Review: I'll admit right upfront, I've never read the book that "The Ruins" is based from. So, I can't really comment on how true the movie is to the original story. What I can say, though, is that this movie did nothing to make me want to seek out the book it is based on.

I really wanted to like this movie. I've been so hoping for a good rated R horror movie for some time. All these remakes and torture films masking as horror, have really had me thinking maybe no one knows how to make a new and original horror movie anymore. I was praying "The Ruins" would change that feeling for me, but it has only intensified it.

The film starts off well enough, with a couple of young college couples vacationing in Mexico, when they are given the opportunity to check out some "off the tour guide" ruins, before they have to leave. The first 30-40 minutes of the film is pretty solid stuff. You even come to like the characters a little. Once they reach the ruins, though, the movie starts to lose it. It never is explained exactly where these vines came from, or what the deal with them is. We come to see the nearby villagers are trying to keep them from spreading, but we don't know how or why. The whole threat the vines pose really isn't given any kind of explanation, which only leads to unsatisfying questions that don't get answers.

There are a few really gory moments in the film, but most of it happens within the last third of the film. And by this point, you really just don't know what to make of anything that you care a whole lot about it. It just feels like gore for the sake of it.

The only truly "jump from your seat" moment is when the girls first come to learn of the danger the vines represent, otherwise there is little in the way of suspense in the movie. In fact, the vines seem to do less damage to these tourists, than they end up doing to themselves. So they don't seem to pose much of a threat, after all. And when the lone survivor escapes, you are left wondering what this means for the rest of the world, since keeping the vines contained was made into such an important point in the film. And the ending of the film? Total rubbish, which is all I have to say about that.

"The Ruins" starts off like a classic horror film from the late 70's and early 80's, but soon degenerates into little more than a plodding and uninteresting film, that relies on some torturous moments of gore to try to shock you awake again. It almost feel disingenuous to call it a horror film, since the only thing to provide you with horror, is the realization that you aren't going to get the those 91 minutes of your life back. If there was a moral to this movie, I guess it would be to stick to the tourist traps, when you are in a strange country. But I'd impart the additional moral to stick to renting a good horror movie, over viewing this poorly done effort.

Rating: 1 1/2 Stars (out of 4)

Review: The Hellcats

Synopsis: A soldier comes back from the war and goes undercover to avenge the death of his cop brother. His link to the murder is the fiancée of his brother, who also wants vengeance. The two would-be avengers infiltrate the Hellcats, the girl gets abducted, and now it's the retired soldier against all the bad guys.

Review: Normally, I'd go into a nice little paragraph which sets up my thoughts of the film, followed by a quick synopsis of the plot, my thoughts of the various attributes of the film (acting, directing, cinematography, etc.) and close with a pithy little nugget that sums up my overall feelings.

I can't do that with "The Hellcats," because I still have no idea what I just saw. It certainly wasn't a coherent movie. There was no discernible plot to be found here. No interesting performances, no dramatic tension, nothing you would except to see when watching a film. As far as I could tell, it's basically a film that throws together every stereotypical biker cliché in the book and tries to let a story unfold from that. And it epically fails.

I know dropping acid and smoking weed was the hip thing going in the late 60's. It is pretty obvious that almost anyone involved with this venture was using them before, during, and after production. Maybe if I'd have done so before watching this... spectacle, I might have been able to understand it. Regardless, it had the same effect on me any illegal narcotics could: It warped my perceptions of logic and reality, killed off a large number of brain cells, and when I awoke from the stupor it put me in, I couldn't have told you what time of day it is. Avoid this crap pile like the plague it is! I wish I had. It's probably THE worst film I've ever seen (and given some of the ones I have, that's saying something)!

Rating: 0 Stars (out of 4)

Review: 10,000 B.C.

Synopsis:A epic prehistoric tale, that follows a young mammoth hunter's journey through uncharted territory to secure the future of his tribe and save the woman he loves.

Review: "10,000 B.C." is a classic example of a film where all the budget was put into the cinematography and special effect, with little regard given to the script and acting. The results are an epic adventure tale, that is neither adventurous or epic.

This story of a young hunter who faces his predestined fate to lead his tribe, could have been a compelling and intense story of human history. But the script is so horribly flawed and the acting so bland, that there is nothing to emotionally connect the audience to the characters or the story. You simply don't really care about any of it.

I never bought the love story between the two lead characters. Their unemotive acting skills, hampered by a scripted romance that is so schmaltzy and unbelievable, that it isn't even worthy of being used as a dime store romance novel, much less a major budget motion picture, never brings about any sense of true emotion from the viewer. You not only don't believe these two people love each other, you don't even care enough to wonder why you feel that way. I'll admit I wasn't around back then to see how these people interacted with each other, but I can tell you it was probably nothing at all like this. And the way the girl survives to be with her man in the end, is so mind-numbingly unbelievable, it is more of an insult to the viewers intelligence, rather than the uplifting emotional moment the writers and director probably intended it to be.

Another problem with the film is all the historical inaccuracies. When you want to make a film that is based on the history of the human race on Earth, if you can't create a stirring tale of fiction with human history as the backdrop, you'd do well to try to keep as close to the facts as you can. I mean, while the ancient Egyptians did use slave labor to build their vast cities and monuments, I don't believe that Woolly Mammoths were there to help in that. If this movie was about some alien world, I might be able to overlook this kind of thing, but if you are going to use actual Earth history as your setting, either use it right or don't use it at all. When it can be said that "One Million Years B.C." is a more historically accurate film, you know something is seriously wrong with your film's script and research.

Of course, the biggest problem I personally had with the film was the extremely slow and plodding pace, as the characters spend lots of time just walking around. I could have taken mini-naps between the major scenes of the film and not felt lost when I awoke and started watching it again. We get it, alright? They are traveling great distances. You don't need to make the audience feel like they are on one themselves, as they watch the film. An adventure tale is supposed to be exciting, not boring.

The one place the film does get it right, though, is the cinematography. There is some brilliant and breathtaking camera work here, with some very gorgeous wide angle shots of the lands the characters travel through. It is the one place where the film truly shines. It is not, however, anywhere near enough to reverse the detriments in the script, acting and researching of the film to make the story even remotely enjoyable.

"10,000 B.C." could have been one of the great epic adventure stories of the the last decade, but being saddled with poorly emoting actors, an unbelievable soap opera romance, historical inaccuracies you could fly a jumbo jet through, and a pace so slow and tedious it would put a snail to sleep, the film instead becomes one of the biggest and most costly of viewing disappointments, perhaps of all time ("Waterworld" has nothing on this film, believe me)! Unless you have a bad case of insomnia, give this film a major pass.

Rating: 1 Star (out of 4)

Review: The Incredible Petrified World

Synopsis: Four adventurers descend into the depths of the ocean when the cable on their underwater diving bell snaps. The rest of their expedition, believing them to be lost, abandons hope of finding them alive. Exiting the diving bell, the group finds themselves in a strange network of underwater caverns, as they search for a way back to the surface.

Review: When you think of 1950's sci-fi film, you generally think of something cheesy and scientifically unsound, but not being without a certain quaint charm and some unintentionally hilarious moments. "The Incredible Petrified World," however, will give you none of that, as the only charm it has is to bore you out of your ever-loving mind.

The basic premise of this snoozer of a story, has to do with a group of scientists who are looking to reach the hidden depths of the ocean, but end up in a strange world of undersea caves, deep below the surface, when their diving bell snaps from its cables. Now, they search for a way back to the surface world. Will they make it? Can they find the way? Is there one? Oh, the suspense is killing me...

Actually, the only thing that has any lethal power in this turkey of a film is the incredibly boring pace of the story, which has about as much suspense and tension as watching paint dry. There's just nothing here to engage you. Director Jerry Warren, who's name is synonymous with cheap craploa films, gives the viewers nothing to hold their interest. When you aren't laughing at the inane lack of scientific fact and premise (like how when they find an old man in the caves, he says he's been there for 14 years. But how was he able to tell time down in there?), you'll be bored into a coma with wooden acting and a plodding plot that goes nowhere fast. Even the cast seems to have absolutely no interest in this lame duck of a film. Veteran actors, John Carradine and Phyllis Coates (who's best known as Lois Lane on the 50's Superman t.v. show), are simply wasted in their roles. Carradine spends almost the entire movie standing around and looking worried, while Coates spends her time trying to be catty with the only other female present (played by Sheila Noonan), when she isn't fending off a clumsy attempt at rape by an old cave dweller (played by Maurice Bernard). There is simply no noteworthy performance at all, even if the script did give them something to work with.

The special effects are equally bland. The volcano eruption near the end of the film is a joke, as we never even see the volcano itself. You'd think Warren could have swiped some stock footage of one doing so. About the only bit of interest the film can muster is within the first few minutes after the opening credits, where we are treated to some stock footage of sea life, which is capped off with a pretty neat fight between an octopus and a shark. The film is strictly downhill from there, all the way to its obligatory Hollywood happy ending.

I can forgive a movie being bad. I can forgive it for being cheap and cheesy. I can even forgive it for being pandering. But I cannot forgive it for being boring, which exactly what this waste of celluloid is. The only things that are petrified in "The Incredible Petrified World" are the acting and sense of suspense. Avoid this dreck at all costs, unless you run out of sleeping pills.

Rating: 0 Stars (out of 4)

Review: The Exterminator

Synopsis: A Vietnam veteran hunts down the gang that assaulted his best friend and becomes the target of the police, the CIA and the underworld in this bloody and brutal tale of murder and intrigue.

Review: Something that can be found in all the best grindhouse films, is their ability to tap into the most primal of human emotions. The rawness of the film style brings a gritty realism to the proceeding. That is certainly true in the case of the vengeance-fueled fantasy that is "The Exterminator!"

Former vet, John Eastland (played very effectively by Robert Ginty), finds life in New York City is even more savage than the jungles of Vietnam, after the near-fatal assault of his best friend causes him to wage his own personal war on the criminal element of the city. Of course, such actions will not go unnoticed.

Right from the start, writer/director James Glickenhaus lets you know just what you are in for with this film, as it begins with a horrific flashback to Eastland's time in 'Nam and sets the tone of the violent displays that will soon follow it. While the special effects are not what one would call "high quality," the sheer brutality of what is shown (and often what is not shown) adds a degree of realism that most big budget special effects extravaganzas never could hope to achieve. The beheading scene during the wartime flashback (done masterfully by special effect artist Stan Winston), for example, perfectly illustrates what I mean. It's a gripping moment, due to the harshness and savage way it is presented. Most of the violence is presented in this fashion and it gives the film an edge over many of the like-minded ones that were being produced at the time. They also did a very good job of portraying New York City in the late 70's. The feeling of urban decay, filth, and human misery is almost palpable. Quite simply, you might almost feel the need to bathe after watching this film.

As far as the story goes, it's pretty straight-forward. Just your typical revenge style fantasy stuff, which was like a cottage industry back then. There are some bits about the political climate of the time woven into things, as Eastland's actions are not taken well by political figures, who feel his war on crime makes them look inept and weak. But while the politics are in the background, they never really dominate the story. Instead, the focus is kept on Eastland's private war. Most of the performances range from adequate to banal, but then one doesn't watch this kind of cinema expecting Oscar-worthy acting. Robert Ginty was never really a great actor, with this film being his biggest claim to fame, but he truly brought out a great performance here. You can understand and relate to him and why he's doing what he is. I also liked the role of the cop out to stop him (played solidly by Christopher George). However, the romance he strikes up with a nurse (played by Samantha Eggar) doesn't really fit in with the rest of the tone of the film. As a result, it feels tacked on and unnecessary, only serving to take time away from getting more insights into Ginty's character. The ending of the film is, without question, not your typical Hollywood kind and the film only benefits from that.

While many might see "The Exterminator" as just a fairly typical entry into this sub-genre of film, I think some of the smaller bits within it shine through enough that it stands out from most fare of this nature. Within the realm of grindhouse flicks, this one is certainly one of the better ones out there. The rawness and grit of the setting and the downtroddened feeling in the performances, gives the film a legitimacy few others of it's kind ever have. Genre fans would do well to seek it out.

Rating: 2 1/2 Stars (out of 4)