Review: The Beach Girls

Synopsis: Three girls head out for wild fun in the sun at an uncle's beach house. But when the party gets over the top, what will happen when the uncle finds out?


Review: The early 80's was a golden age for the teen sex comedy. It was a veritable cottage industry. Some were cute and clever, others were bland and boring. "The Beach Girls" falls somewhere in-between. 


The plot revolves around three girls, who've just gotten out of school for the summer. Two of the girls are world-wise party-goers who attempt to loosen up their naive, virginal friend, as they stay at her uncle's beach house. It's non-stop partying, from picking up a middle-aged hitchhiker, to booze and drug fueled nights, the girls are gonna have fun! But what happens when the uncle finally shows up? Oh, the suspense is killing me! 


Well, no, not really. Most of this stuff is by-the-numbers sex comedy formula. The jokes, the puns, the gags, are all pretty much the standard fare you'd expect. Debra Blee (who plays the virginal Sarah) is, oddly enough, more attractive than her two wild child friends (played by Val Kline and Jeana Keough), which was a nice little change from how most films like this go. But the hitchhiker who becomes Sarah's love interest (played by James Daughton), who is supposed to be a hip and laid back young musician-type, just looks too old to play this role. It's one of the ways the film misfires and takes you out of the moment. The scene where a young cop shows up during the party and almost immediately gets sucked into the shenanigans is another example of that. It just comes off as silly and forced, taking you out of the story, which might be the point, but the tongue-in-cheek humor just isn't delivered convincingly enough for you not to notice it. And the whole sub-plot, involving the drug smugglers and Coast Guard just feels completely out of place. And lastly, Sarah's transformation from "upright do-right," to femme fatale, happens so fast, you might get whiplash as you watch it.


That isn't to say the film doesn't have some good points. The film has a nice bit of skin on display, so flesh fiends will get what they crave. The debauchery is certainly wild and crazy throughout the film, with a few raunchy scenes to spice things up more. The Coast Guard's raid near the film's end, as they go through the house to uncover where all the drugs have been hidden, is chuckle-worthy. And there is some great comic relief with the gardener (played by Bert Rosario) throughout the film and it gets especially good when he gets teamed up with the limo driver (played by George Cheung). Their antics in a fight sequences are actually pretty funny.


In the final analysis, "The Beach Girls" is a mediocre effort, that never tries to play up that it is anything more than a teen sex comedy. It's lack of pretentiousness about itself gives it a certain amount charm. But it is very repetitive and the jokes and gags wear a little thin by the end. The misfires grow as the film goes on, but it never takes anything too seriously. And that might be why it isn't more enjoyable. It's a fluffy and light-hearted 80's romp, to be sure, and fans of cult classic 80's cheese might enjoy this, but it isn't one that will stick with you after you've viewed it. Just like footprints in the sand, the film's impression is not one that will last for long. Much like how summer never does! 


Rating: 2 Stars (our of 4)

Review: Jennifer's Body

Synopsis: When a hot and sexy teenaged girl becomes possessed by a flesh eating demon, the boys of her high school end up the target of her new man-eating ways.


Review: "Jennifer's Body" is the kind of film that should remind us all that it takes a lot more to be clever, hip and interesting, then merely spouting a few modern slang terms and a sexy pout. They try to play up a campy teen angst kind of thing here, but it never rings true. It's more like pseudo-angst, thought up by a focus group of Hollywood suits, that tries to play to what they think teenagers would find "cool," only to fail miserably in the attempt.


The premise of this tale, is about how a teenage babe (played by Megan Fox) is sacrificed to Satan, by a loser indie band in the hopes they may be granted fame and fortune, only for her to become a flesh eating demon, because she wasn't a virgin when she was sacrificed. No, really, that is the basic plot outline here.


The film tries to come off as an edgier mix of "Mean Girls" and "Scream," but ends up as merely a putrid pile of trash, that is way too self-absorbed and into itself, and comes across as thinking it is way more clever and hip than it actually is. Most teenage horror-comedies are an extremely superficial affair, but this one is shallow at BEING shallow. There's nothing here beneath the surface at all. No insights, no meaning, no message. Heck, there's no real laughs or scares, either (unless you are of the kind who'd giggle during the make out scene with Fox and Seyfried). Like some vapid teen pretty girl, the film never looks out of it's own self-induced tunnel vision, thinking itself way too smart and cool, and the film loses any chance to be relevant or entertaining. It's not just style over substance, but a self-deluded and half-formed idea of style over substance. Why have a coherent story and plot? Look, Megan Fox is swimming naked in a lake! Isn't that just so awesome?!


It seems little thought was put into the script, direction, or anything else. It is merely a vehicle for Megan Fox to look ultra-sexy (in that slutty way she usually does). No one ever bothers to go beyond this, as everyone else is just some stereotype or cipher character, used for the demands of Fox's character, who looks like she has a totally vacant expression throughout the whole movie (the very same one you'll probably have, after you watch this crap). The only thing it goes to show, is that Fox is truly a horrible actress and is certainly not up to the task of headlining a film. It takes a lot more than a few cute slang terms being thrown around, and some pathetic attempt at controversy (with a little girl-on-girl make out moment), to make a worthwhile story. Honestly, the thing feels like it was written by a couple of 13 year-old boys, who got a look at their father's Playboy collection for the first time, and thought this would be a great idea for a film. It is just a blatant attempt to appeal to the "teeny-bopper" crowd, who love films like "Twlight" and the like, and has absolutely no regards to the intelligence of the target audience (or any other audience, in general). Writer Diablo Cody won an Oscar for her work on "Juno," but her sophomore effort is just a meandering and sophomoric dud! It tries too hard to be too many thing: funny, scary, emotional, dramatic, all while trying to drive home some feminist-minded clap-trap about the relationship between teenage girls and power structures of sex among teens. I'm sure Cody had the best of intentions with this film, but the execution is so bad that it ends up a jumbled and lackluster effort, which should have never been made.


This is, without a doubt, the worst movie I've seen all year. If this doesn't register on many a film critics and film fans "worst of" lists for 2009, I fear for the mental sanity of the industry. "Jennifer's Body" is honest as a title for this travesty of celluloid, though, as the only thing the film ever concerns itself with is how "hawt" the title character looks. Unless you are a hormone-raging teenage boy, with Megan Fox as your ultimate fantasy plaything, avoid this dreck at all costs! Heck, even if you are one, you should avoid it, as even hormone-raging teenage boys deserve to be marketed to better than this.


Rating: 0 Stars (our of 4)

Would you want to go to this school???

"Night School," also know as "Terror Eyes." It stars Rachael Ward who was kinda big around early 80's. She would go on to star in the Burt Reynolds film "Sharkey's Machine." Here she plays a college student (looking a little older than the usual), where a killer is on the loose wearing motorcycle gear and brandishing a large silver blade.

Now, beheadings are the way to go here. Who's killing these college women? There's one scene that stands out, for me. A young college girl goes over a college teacher's (older female) place, and does the nasty! Yes, you heard it right... they get it on. This is a little ahead of its time. Then, later you find the younger girl's head in the toilet! No, I'm not making this up. This is the third horror film between 1980-1981 to have a head in a fish tank.

So, the killer seems to be stalking Rachael Ward for some unknown reason. "Night School" was shot in Boston. It was released in theaters around spring of 1981. I saw it on cable in 1983 on the Movie Channel, as I did most horror films back then. Okay, wow for a little spoiler: This is a 28 year old movie, so if you haven't seen it by now you probably won't, since it hasn't been released on DVD. I doubt this will replay again either. Alright, for the spoiler, here we go----------Don't look down any further!!!! You have been warned...

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Rachael Ward turns out to be the killer at the end!!!!! The reason being, that she wanted to pass some stupid test, so she decided that by killing off her competition, it would get her the highest grade.

Now, this one doesn't get high grade. Only 1 and a half stars... Although it does have some decent nudity and a lot of blood shed. Oh, those early 80's cable days are so missed...

Too fast for the times!

Summer of 1982 changed the way high school was forever. "Fast Times" is a great little comedy about sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. It has got a cast that mostly went on the big careers. The biggest being Sean Penn playing a stoned-out surfer dude named Jeff Spocoli. He's funny, but a little unbelievable in spots. The real story is about young teens who struggle with having to make adult choices. You have teens dealing with sex, money and drugs. Also you have teens with jobs at the local mall, that seem like a place everyone would wanna work at. We all know what "Fast Times" is about, but it might not hold up as well today as it did 27 years ago. The film was shot between November and December of 1981. It was mostly shot in California, at the Sherman Oaks Galleria (which has totally changed). The real mall was destroyed by an earthquake in 1994. The mall has since never been the same. "Fast Times" also boosted the careers of Nic Cage and Forest Whitaker. It was a very talked about film when it came out in August of '82 and was a big hit on cable and home video. However, the original video version that MCA out out in early 1983 was ruined by the changed soundtrack. The rights of certain artists were switched. This, however, was corrected in 1996 when MCA restored the rights to the soundtrack. Now, of course, it is on DVD with a decent transfer and cool little documentary, to boot. Hey, where have all the good times gone???? I give this 4 stars!

Review: The Boys Next Door

Synopsis: A couple of high school outsiders take a trip to Los Angeles, after their graduation, only to go on a murderous and rage-fueled crime spree, which has the cops on alert and the citizens in their sights.

Review: Sometimes a film comes along, that will truly stick with you long after you've seen it. It will gnaw at your mind and make you look at life and people in a very different way, which you never did before. "The Boys Next Door" is just such a film for me.

Director Penelope Spheeris is probably most well-known for her work on perennial comedic fare, such as "Wayne's World" and "Black Sheep," but long before that she was a very edgy and somewhat visionary filmmaker. Some of her earliest works have a very deep social commentary to them, of which this film is one of her best (and most overlooked). This tale of two high school outcasts, who go to the big city and raise some murderous hell, almost has a modern ring to it. In the wake of real life events, like the massacres at Columbine and Virgina Tech, this film seems less the low-rent crime drama it probably was seen as when it first debuted and more like a prophecy of things to come.

It is absolutely chilling in how it shows the casual use of violence by two supposed teenagers. Their lack of conscience and concern for anything or anyone, save themselves, feels like a mirror being held up to our so-called modern world. What really stuck out for me, though, was the moments of seemingly uncontainable rage expressed by the character of Roy (incredibly performed by Maxwell Caulfield). One scene that truly made my blood run cold, was after his first act of violence on a gas-station attendant, when he and his friend Bo (played by a very young Charlie Sheen, in one of his earliest leading roles) are talking about it in their hotel room, and Roy expresses that the beating wasn't good enough. That he should have killed him. The look of satisfaction on his face as he expresses these thoughts, brought out a dark symmetry to the character, which would dominate everything he does afterwards. It actually comes off like a blueprint to the mindset of such thrill-killers that we see in our real world today. I really enjoyed how the film almost plays like a docudrama in some instances, like this one.

While some of the language and settings might be a bit dated, the emotion and societal insights into the mind of teenage rage are as powerful now as they ever were back in 1985 (when the film debuted). At the time, this film had a bit of controversy about it, due to the amounts of violence shown on screen, but I think that today, in our much more politically-correct minded worldview, it is the thoughts behind the violence which should be more disturbing. It is a film that has truly become MORE relevant as time has gone by, not less. If there is anything lacking in the film, it would be not enough information given on the characters life at home. We see the torment they have with not fitting in with their peers at school, as well as their fears of living out the rest of their lives at dead-end jobs, but there is little info on the role played by the family in helping these boys to be filled with such murderous contempt. There is one scene with Roy's father being shown as a neglectful parent, more interested in getting his next beer than the welfare of his son, but I felt this brief glimpse should have been expand on more. Still, even lacking in this one area, the film is still a very potent brew to behold.

Make no mistake, this is not a "feel good" or party film. It is a shocking, and sometimes twisted, look into how society can mold a teenager into a raging killer and how easily the that rage can be let loose on an unprepared society. And the fact these two characters are attractive looking, as well, only deepens the scary similarities of our current times. Despite that, however, it is certainly a very worthwhile film and is deserving of much more attention. If you are looking for a film that isn't just out to entertain you, but also make you think, this is one movie you need to seek out! But be warned... prepare to be unnerved by much of what you will see. I doubt many will walk away from this film totally unaffected, nor should they.

Rating: 3 1/2 Stars (out of 4)