Review: Vice Squad

Synopsis: Pimps, hookers, lowlife scum... you'll find them all in the big city, where sex and violence rule the landscape. But that's just another typical night on the mean streets for the Vice Squad!

Review: I'm something of an amateur devotee of low budget, grindhouse films. From flicks of the 60's to the present, I've seen my fair share. However, "Vice Squad" is one that will probably always standout to me, both in good ways and bad.

The basic plot is that a prostitute named "Princess" (played by Season Hubley) helps a seasoned vice cop (played by Gary Swanson) to take down a violent and deranged pimp named "Ramrod" (played by Wings Hauser), after he kills another prostitute friend of her's (played by Nina Blackwood), but soon becomes the target of the pimp's homicidal rage, after he escapes custody. Now the race is on between the vice squad and Ramrod, as to who will get to Princess first! The film is certainly not for the faint of heart, or those who easily offend. No punches are pulled in the violence and degradation that is shown.

It has a sort of gritty realism to it, but it doesn't quite make it over the hump to where you totally buy it. This is due to the stretching of credibility in some key moments. I mean, would an entire vice squad really go all out to find a single prostitute, even if her life were in danger? No, probably not. One cop, maybe two, but not the whole squad. And the violent pimp, who seems to constantly flip from calm to psychopathic at the drop of hat, would he really be able to intimidate all the hard players of this underbelly of civilized society? Again, probably not. So, when such instances happen, it takes you out of the moment and costs the film a lot of the dramatic tension it's trying to build.

Director Gary Sherman certainly does a nice job of portraying the seedier side of the big city (in this case Hollywood), as the grunge and sleaze of society's "forgotten people" is well displayed almost constantly. Sadly, though, there is little shown to us beneath that grimy surface. You never get into the minds of any of the players. You get a brief scene with Princess sending her daughter away, to show she has a softer side, but you never get much context on it. Even worse is Gary Swanson's play at the vice cop who gives a damn. Besides a very wooden performance, you never really get any insight into his reasons for being a vice cop. As he is asked at the film's end, "Why do you do it, Walsh? The streets are never going to change." The question is never answered, either to the character in the film or the audience.

The one solid bit here, is Wings Hauser's turn as the ultra-violent Ramrod. He plays it up for all he's worth here. He is certainly one of the perennial heavies of the 80's, both in film and television, but he steps things up a notch here, going from mean to downright brutal. His use of a coat hanger to whip up on prostitutes, shows a level of darkness that goes beyond ordinary misogyny. While most of the other actors just sort of plod along in their roles, Wings uses his to be a force of nature in the story, which is where most of the drama and action stems from.

The film is certainly not what one would call "classic," either in the award-winning sense or otherwise, but despite it's many flaws, it still manages to hold your attention and stick with you long after you've watched it. Whether that is due to it having that special 80's vibe, that made many less-than-stellar films give you that sensation, or merely the fact you can't look away from the sometimes over-the-top slimy nature of it all, I can't say for sure. All I can say is that, for good or ill, this is one film you won't soon forget.

Rating: 2 1/2 Stars (out of 4)

Review: My Tale Is Hot

Synopsis: Bored with the routine in Hell and looking to prove he's still the prince of evil, Satan attempts to get the man who is the "world's most faithful husband" to cheat, but the outcome ends up as far from what he expects.

Review: I wasn't really sure what to expect from this outing, because you never know what you are going to get when you watch one of these skin-flicks from the 60's, as the quality of them tends to run all over the place. But "My Tale Is Hot" is, if not a solid effort, at least stays on the right side of entertaining.

There's really not much to this film, as it's basically a string of burlesque-type shots of fairly attractive babes, which has a bookended plot about a super-faithful husband (played by Jack Little, under the name "Little Jack Little") being tempted by the devil (played by Max Gardens, under the name "Manny Goodtimes") to stray. That's about it.

Deeply involving this is not, but it is a good bit of fun and never really takes itself very seriously. As noted, the women are remarkably pretty attractive for the most part and have little problem peeling for the camera, while Little and Gardens provide somewhat humorous double entendre commentary during it. There's even a clever "little twist" (no pun intended) in the end, when the devil learns just why he can't tempt this most faithful husband to cheat. The dialogue is totally cornball throughout, with puns-a-plenty, some of it funny and some of it cringe-worthy.

Really, though, the film is pretty much centered on the buxom figures of the ladies, which is only to be expected. There is a nice go-go dancing scene about midway through, featuring the talents of Ms. Candy Barr which is very nice. At just under an hour long, the film doesn't tend to overstay it's welcome, even if a couple of the burlesque scenes do seem to.

In the end, it's just a fun and campy nudie-cutie romp, which is pretty indicative of this brand of film. It is certainly far from the worst effort this kind of film-making has created. If you are a fan of the genre, you might get a few chuckles of mileage out of this one.

Rating: 2 Stars (out of 4)

We interrupt your white silence for this important news...

Hello there! How's that old saying go? Life's what happens, when you are busy making plans. Well, that's certainly true in the case for us here at The Video Drones Reviews. We do apologize to those of you who were stopping by to check out our thoughts on the myriad of films out there (all three of you, that is). Other matters in our lives have taken up much more time than we thought they would. So, we are returning, albeit it tentatively. You may not see the flurry of reviews you saw from us at the end of last year, but you will start seeing reviews here again on a semi-regular basis (God willing).

So, again, sorry for the huge break in the reviews here. Hopefully, we can get things going again for you. After all, there film's aren't going to review themselves (nor should they in most cases).

Review: Jennifer's Body

Synopsis: When a hot and sexy teenaged girl becomes possessed by a flesh eating demon, the boys of her high school end up the target of her new man-eating ways.


Review: "Jennifer's Body" is the kind of film that should remind us all that it takes a lot more to be clever, hip and interesting, then merely spouting a few modern slang terms and a sexy pout. They try to play up a campy teen angst kind of thing here, but it never rings true. It's more like pseudo-angst, thought up by a focus group of Hollywood suits, that tries to play to what they think teenagers would find "cool," only to fail miserably in the attempt.


The premise of this tale, is about how a teenage babe (played by Megan Fox) is sacrificed to Satan, by a loser indie band in the hopes they may be granted fame and fortune, only for her to become a flesh eating demon, because she wasn't a virgin when she was sacrificed. No, really, that is the basic plot outline here.


The film tries to come off as an edgier mix of "Mean Girls" and "Scream," but ends up as merely a putrid pile of trash, that is way too self-absorbed and into itself, and comes across as thinking it is way more clever and hip than it actually is. Most teenage horror-comedies are an extremely superficial affair, but this one is shallow at BEING shallow. There's nothing here beneath the surface at all. No insights, no meaning, no message. Heck, there's no real laughs or scares, either (unless you are of the kind who'd giggle during the make out scene with Fox and Seyfried). Like some vapid teen pretty girl, the film never looks out of it's own self-induced tunnel vision, thinking itself way too smart and cool, and the film loses any chance to be relevant or entertaining. It's not just style over substance, but a self-deluded and half-formed idea of style over substance. Why have a coherent story and plot? Look, Megan Fox is swimming naked in a lake! Isn't that just so awesome?!


It seems little thought was put into the script, direction, or anything else. It is merely a vehicle for Megan Fox to look ultra-sexy (in that slutty way she usually does). No one ever bothers to go beyond this, as everyone else is just some stereotype or cipher character, used for the demands of Fox's character, who looks like she has a totally vacant expression throughout the whole movie (the very same one you'll probably have, after you watch this crap). The only thing it goes to show, is that Fox is truly a horrible actress and is certainly not up to the task of headlining a film. It takes a lot more than a few cute slang terms being thrown around, and some pathetic attempt at controversy (with a little girl-on-girl make out moment), to make a worthwhile story. Honestly, the thing feels like it was written by a couple of 13 year-old boys, who got a look at their father's Playboy collection for the first time, and thought this would be a great idea for a film. It is just a blatant attempt to appeal to the "teeny-bopper" crowd, who love films like "Twlight" and the like, and has absolutely no regards to the intelligence of the target audience (or any other audience, in general). Writer Diablo Cody won an Oscar for her work on "Juno," but her sophomore effort is just a meandering and sophomoric dud! It tries too hard to be too many thing: funny, scary, emotional, dramatic, all while trying to drive home some feminist-minded clap-trap about the relationship between teenage girls and power structures of sex among teens. I'm sure Cody had the best of intentions with this film, but the execution is so bad that it ends up a jumbled and lackluster effort, which should have never been made.


This is, without a doubt, the worst movie I've seen all year. If this doesn't register on many a film critics and film fans "worst of" lists for 2009, I fear for the mental sanity of the industry. "Jennifer's Body" is honest as a title for this travesty of celluloid, though, as the only thing the film ever concerns itself with is how "hawt" the title character looks. Unless you are a hormone-raging teenage boy, with Megan Fox as your ultimate fantasy plaything, avoid this dreck at all costs! Heck, even if you are one, you should avoid it, as even hormone-raging teenage boys deserve to be marketed to better than this.


Rating: 0 Stars (our of 4)

Review: Terminator Salvation

Synopsis: The fourth installment of the classic sci-fi action story takes us into the future, as John Connor and the human resistance battle the forces of Skynet. But when a mysterious strangers enters their fold, will he be the key in destroying Skynet or the end of the human race?

Review: I had high hopes, like many, going into this film. As a fan of the franchise, I was looking forward to that "blown out of my seat" experience the other films of this saga have given me. Besides which, this is the film we've all been waiting for since the beginning, right? The future war! The resistance vs. Skynet! It couldn't possibly be bad, could it? Oh, you couldn't be more wrong!

This film lacked anything in the way of atmosphere or suspense. The mood of the film was extremely flat from almost the start and never really came to life. On top of that, I feel too much time was spent on the machines and not enough on John Connor and the humans (whom you'd think we should be rooting for). Sam Worthington's character, of the man made into a machine, never gained any sympathy or interest from me. The fact they gave away the "secret" to his character in the trailers, certainly didn't help that, either. His character's actions are schizophrenic, at best, half the time making little sense, if any, and almost never ring true. A major flaw, to be sure, with how much time he gets on screen.

Then you have Christian Bale, who plays John Connor as a "Batman-lite" affair. He uses the same kind of voice here, that he did in "The Dark Knight" and it just doesn't work. He portrays none of the charisma and leadership that we know the character is supposed to have. All the emotions we've felt for him in the past are all stripped away here, as he comes off like a whiny and self-absorbed jerk. Hardly one you'd want being the savior of the human race. None of the other resistance members get enough screen time to make any kind of impression on you, so you never develop any bond in what might happen to them. I don't know if the cast just didn't care about the film, or if the script just gave them nothing to work with, but there is no fire in any of the performances.

And even if the script doesn't let the actors down, it has more than a few problems itself. They never really explain why Sam Worthington's character is the one chosen by Skynet. The story never gives you any feelings of dread or panic, despite tons of action on the screen. And while those action sequences are well shot and choreographed, they lack any real excitement. It never gets your pulse pounding. Plus there are tons of little things in the film, like Connor's wife being pregnant, which get no explanation or even a passing mention. I mean, what's the point in doing that, if it doesn't mean anything? And why is Skynet herding people into camps (ala the Nazis)? Shouldn't it simply be destroying all human life, to protect itself and win the war? It is another plot point that makes no sense, nor is given any reasoning for, in a script filled with them. Worst of all, and the one major flaw that ruins the whole film for me, is how, after Skynet has captured Kyle Reese (played by Anton Yelchin, in one of the few decent performances in the film), it doesn't kill him immediately, but uses him as bait to lure John Connor into a rescue mission. This kind of thinking, in terms of revenge and greed, is an emotional human failing Skynet should not have. It is a machine. It should know the simple equation: "Kill Kyle Reese, John Connor is no more!" The only reason for it, is to provide the big end battle, where Connor faces the Terminator 101-model (with CGI used to show Arnold in his prime). It's all just a wasted effort and doesn't deliver any thrills.

Many folks blasted "T3" for some of the inconsistencies it had, but compared to this mess of a film, it was sheer cinematic brilliance! "Terminator Salvation" could truly be considered a franchise killer, on par with the fiasco that "Batman and Robin" was for the Batman one. Old school fans of this saga will not find this enjoyable, and any attempts to bring in new fans will be dashed at the overly-complicated back-story used to get them up to speed on this film. In short, this is a film that will appeal to few people, be they fans of these films or not. It is a complete waste of time, money and talent. And that is the purest definition of the term "whipped up movie," which this effort most assuredly is, that I can think of! It is easily one of the most disappointing films of the year.

Rating: 1 Star (out of 4)

Review: Kingdom of the Spiders

Synopsis: When a small Arizona town finds itself the target of millions of hungry tarantulas, can the local vet and his entomologist lover save the town from being overrun, or are they all doomed to be the spiders newest food supply?

Review: Right off the bat, you have to know going in, that "Kingdom of the Spiders" is hardly a tour-de-force effort of film-making. It's a low-budget suspense horror film, filled with 70's cheese-tasticness. That said, however, the film does manage to entertain.

William Shatner, the perennial "cool guy" every nerd-boy wishes they could be, plays Dr. Robert "Rack" Hansen, a vet who's town is soon overrun by the eight-legged fury of millions of tarantulas. It seems the destruction of their usual food supply, by the careless use of pesticides, has caused them to look into a new source of sustenance... humans!

The overall acting in the film is passable, if unremarkable. Even the usually flamboyant stylings of "The Shat" are subdued here. There's the attempt to play up some human drama, through a love triangle between Rack, the beautiful entomologist (played by Tiffany Bolling) and the widow of Rack's dead brother (played by Marcy Lafferty). You get a couple of glimpses of Shatner's typical sexual charisma from it, but little else as far as the story goes. In fact, the whole pacing of the story is quite slow for the first 45-55 minutes of the film. This is surely to help set up the film's final act, when the spiders go on their rampage, but it isn't as effective as they probably were intending.

Really, the story and drama hinges on the spider attacks. Building slowly on the creepy feeling invoked by the spiders, watching them move from killing livestock to humans, it does create a sense of eerie tension. It plays to a fear many of us have of creepy-crawly insects and their ability to overwhelm us with sheer numbers. Director John "Bud" Cardos does effectively make the spiders into not only a credible threat, but a menacing one, as well. The scene of the townsfolk running in chaotic panic when the spiders begin attacking in force, will surely make most anyone's skin crawl. And the downbeat ending of the film is, without question, one of the best parts of the film. No typical Hollywood "happy ending" here, which only helps the movie to retain it's cult status. The film's attempt at a morality tale, by showing that mankind needs to show more respect towards nature, is both heavy-handed and poorly contrived, but that's only to be expected in a b-grade piece of 70's horror.

"Kingdom of the Spiders" is a fine piece of 70's kitsch-cinema, which doesn't try to make itself out as much more than that. And while it may pale in comparison to other movies about man facing "nature's revenge" (like "The Birds" or "Jaws", just to name a couple), it certainly is worthy of it's place of cult horror status. Just make sure to keep a can of bug spray close by, as you watch it.

Rating: 2 1/2 Stars (out of 4)

Plenty to Hyde!

Here's a half film/DVD review for the low budget obscure title (unless you had cable in the early 80's) "Jekyll and Hyde... Together Again" from 1982. The film was released by Paramount Pictures in late 1982 to a few select theaters.

"Hyde" is a over-the-top wacky comedy, about a mixture of doctors and 70's drug abuse. Now the plot in a little nutshell, is about a surgeon named Daniel Jekyll (Mark Blankfield), who finds some research program that gets him hooked upon some kinda mumbo-jumbo power to make him into Mr. Hyde. Silly premise, but it involves cocaine. Yes, the white powder drug! And then, he goes mad and acts silly and really reckless, while going on to destroy video arcades/supermarkets and nightclubs, too. He's engaged to a little rich woman (Bess Armstrong from Jaws 3-D), who has no clue what's going on, or is too blind to.

Now enough of the plot, on with it's little cult classic history. At one time, I believe in 1983, late night cable had a field day with this little film. It was often talked about how funny it was. By the 90's, however, it was out of print and never to be seen again. It soon develops a cult status following all over the Internet. Now, on June 3rd of 2008, Legend Films picks up the rights to several of Paramount Pictures obscure titles and this is one of them. Released with different artwork than what your seeing here. It delivers a not too bad transfer, so for $10 I went for it, not having ever seen this on cable (and there wasn't too many I missed back then). It looked as though it could have been funny back then, but not now. It has not aged well and has become extremely dated looking. For a R-rated movie it lacks, with very little nudity and lots of drug haze humor. As far as R-rated film go, I've seen worse in Cheech and Chong movies than this. I really wanted to like this movie and laugh my head off, like everyone else was saying they did, but I just didn't get it. Sorry. And for that, I got nothing to "Hyde!" Well, except maybe the one star out of four I'm gonna give it...